Wednesday, December 31, 2003
The Blue Carp At Border's
(A Caffeinated Self-Indulgence)
I stopped in at Border's last night for a double espresso. That's right, I'm back on the sauce: Coffee. Evidently I can't live without it, at least not in moderation.
I read part of a book about writing; it made me think a little. For example, I discovered I like the phrase "it lay atop the bookshelf" so much more than "it lay on top of the bookshelf." I hope I can use the phrase "it lay atop the bookshelf" someday, to good effect and in matching tone, somewhere other than on my weblog. In fact, I'm making a note of it. Also, the phrase "the blue carp swam towards his face," although perhaps that's a long shot.
So I sat in the corner at Border's, in the gunfighter's seat, and drank my espresso in less than five sips. 'Cuz sometimes you have to, or it'll get cold. After the espresso, I felt good but my hands were shaky... sort of like Cat Ballou after a bottle of whisky. And I just now mistyped "gunfighter" as "ginfighter," causing me to wonder exactly what a "ginfighter" might be. Maybe I'll write about one someday, along with that blue carp. Although Cat Ballou was a sort of ginfighter, wasn't he? Yeah, that's it: Cat Ballou Meets the Blue Carp.
And it occurs to me that I like starting sentences with words like "And" and "Although"... Heh, I just said "and" twice in a row in the same sentence... And I'm easily amused.
So I was at Border's, and I remembered this friend, an American, who visited Ireland and heard part of the Táin Bó Cúalnge (pron. "toyn bo cooley," roughly) recited aloud and in Gaelic. And he claimed he understood it, though he didn't speak a word of the language (other than the Irish-American staple of "Póg mo thóin"). But personally, I think he was just tripping on magic mushrooms.
And then, at Border's, they put in that CD. You know the one:
Rod Stewart Defiles All Your Favorite Old Classics.
And I left.
And that's the end!
~The End~
12/31/2003 10:59:00 AM
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Holiday Memories, 2003
This past Xmas's gathering was a little easier than usual for me, perhaps because there were less relatives present, perhaps because the conversation was more interesting (with me sitting mostly next to Mom or my WWII/Korea-veteran ex-jarhead Uncle George), or perhaps just because I drank more than usual.
Still, it had its moments, and these are a few of them:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Kids
As I arrive, the kids, Zack and Amber, are playing with the presents they have opened. They are romping about contentedly, having already made a huge mess of the house. But you can't help but enjoy watching them as they play joyfully with their toys and trash everything in sight in the process.
I wonder if this is how God feels about Humanity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fox News
Cartoons were on the TV set in the background, but now the young ones have left the room momentarily, and Uncle R has taken the opportunity to change channels to Fox News.
"Fox News gives you the truth," he says. "You won't see this on any other network or newspaper."
But Uncle R has already had quite a few too many, so we're all pretty much ignoring him anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Homemade Fudge and The Plan
It's time for me to give in to sweet temptation now, but I do so with a plan:
First I load up on chips and dip. Then, without a break, I move on to the butter cookies, consuming a fair quantity quickly. Then of course comes the homemade fudge, which I have saved until last in the hopes that I will be too full to gorge myself.
I sit back, stuffed after such an extreme, quick dose of junkfood, and I hope I'll be bloated enough to forget the fudge for the rest of the night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five minutes later:
Just one more piece of fudge.
I feel full and fortunate, and I thank the spirit of goodness for fudge and for many other things...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr Frodo
In the background, on television: An advertisement for Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
The beer is beginning to affect me, and I begin playing with Hobbit names in my mind, wondering if there was perhaps an Eckleberry Took (pron. "Tewk"). Paper or Plastic Baggins for you? And, Dammit, Sam! --stop calling him "Mr Frodo"! After six hours of footage you should be on familiar terms by now. Formality be damned on Mount Doom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cards or a Nap?
Time for a game of cards.
Someone deals.
Someone: "It's Sally's turn!"
Sally doesn't hear.
Someone: "It's Sally's turn!"
Sally doesn't hear.
Someone: "It's Sally's turn!"
Uncle R's hand staggers to the deck and he draws a card.
Everyone: "IT'S SALLY'S TURN!"
Someone suggests Uncle R take a nap. And he should have...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mad Cow
In the background, on Fox News: Mad Cow Disease.
It occurs to me that vegetarians really don't worry about Mad Cow Disease.
Heck, diseases are proliferating, 'cuz twenty years ago there was no such thing. If someone would've asked me what Mad Cow was, I would've asked a farmer.
And the farmer would've said, "Ayup, well... a Mad Cow is most often when a greenhorn with cold hands tries to milk her in a uncomfortable way, an' the greenhorn sits behind the cow instead t'the side of her... an' the cow kicks the greenhorn across the stall..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My monstuhs ah getting restlesssss!"
Evidently George is feeling his beer too. No war stories so far, but his quips and one-liners, most of which date back to the '50s, are getting strange and sometimes bawdy.
"I always like to tell people on the phone, Yeah, you're looking good!"
-and-
"I loves to go swimmin',
with bowlegged wimmins,
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
TOOT TOOT!"
-and-
"Those Moon Women with their breasts on their backs, they're not very attractive. But they're great for slow-dancing!"
-and-
In Boris Karloff's voice: "My monstuhs ah getting restlesssss!"
Me, I'm taking notes on a napkin, most of which will be illegible when I read them in the morn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Duet
Zach and Amber enter the room again and sit down together at the piano. They bash out an ear-splitting duet on the keys until one begins to elbow the other, causing their melody to become even more discordant (if this is at all possible).
The piano bench is plenty big enough for both of them, but now their argument is turning into a territorial dispute, and it seems the only resolution is for both of them to end the music and exit the stage.
In the background, on Fox News: More violence in Israel.
God looks down again as His/Her children play.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time To Go
And now it's nearly time to go. It has been --My God!-- a nice Xmas celebration this year. As good as can be expected. I eat one more piece of fudge, just one, as I have some willpower.
Uncle R leaves first, crushing Uncle George's mailbox on the way out of the drive. Like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter, you just leave him to his own devices, and all will be apparent in time...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I hope your holiday season was as good or better than mine..!
~
12/30/2003 03:40:00 PM
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Holiday Wishes and Advice
Happy Holidays to you!
I'm not writing much formally on Argy lately, but it's Xmas time and I'm sentimental, so I'd better whip something up quick. No treatise on the world's religions this year, but perhaps well-wishes or words of "wisdom" for a merry, or at least stress-minimized, holiday. The season is tough, after all.
First off, stress can ruin your holiday. You should take every available opportunity to lessen your stress. My relatives were already making me nervous this morning, especially my Aunt who suddenly wants to announce a Xmas dinner at her house tonight (ham, every vegetarian's favorite), and my already nervous Mom, who is as horrified as I am by the addition of yet another festivity with the folks. At some point while all this was going on I snorfed a chunk of Morningstar non-meat breakfast sausage well into my nasal passages. And then what the hell do I do? I reckon the only available post-snorfing options are as thus:
1) Inhale fiercely and hope the snorfed foodstuff exits back the way it came;
2) Exhale just as fiercely and hope the offending edible matter exits through a nostril. This option should be considered a last resort.
Luckily I escaped with option '1.' And, see? --I'm thankful!
But, taking no chances for further holiday snorfage, I have locked myself here in front of the computer, where I am writing this while listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas and wrapping presents.
So here's another thing I have discovered throughout holidays past and present: Wrapping presents can be stressful, and you should watch for signs of frustration and anxiety and take a rest immediately when they become apparent. For example, incongruous behaviour can be a signal it is time to take a break. If you find yourself wrapping gifts, singing Xmas caroles, but ocasionally lapsing into strains of "WHERE THE HELL IS THE SCOTCH TAPE!?" and "OW, DAMMIT, WHY DO I KNEEL OR STEP RIGHT ON THE SCISSORS EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND!?"... well, obviously you should back away, slowly, from the scissors, and get a cup of cocoa or something.
Also: The aforementioned Charlie Brown Christmas can be a huuuge help. Very calming. That Vince Guaraldi was a genius, wasn't he? Man, he tinkles all over those ivories...
Cutting back on caffeine can be a holiday lifesaver too. I've only had four cups of tea in the last two days, this in lieu of my usual four pots of coffee. And, since this is certainly a Xmas miracle of sorts, I'm thankful! (And I'm ignoring the clear fact that Me-Minus-Coffee is as clear a signal of the impending apocalypse as any of the seven signs. The Human World is Ending!! *ahem* Right, optimism. Forget I said that.)
Anyway, if you find yourself stressed, make like a cat and take a nap. My cats are currently lounging, per usual, and looking out the window at the Ohio winter. No White Christmas for us this year, and that's fine with me; the current heatwave of 40-some degrees is welcome, and I had plenty of snow when I was a kid. Besides, in Ohio the white often turns to exhaust-fume-grey slush on the roadside, giving that whole White Xmas thing the feel of an ashtray that needs washing...
Now, you may have stored up a certain amount of Good Will Towards Humans so far this year, and it may even be expressing itself in your behavior, as you let someone pull out in front of you in traffic, or decide you'll forgive that cousin at tonight's celebrations, the cousin who last year got drunk and insulted your intelligence or threw up on your dog. So, here's some more unsolicited advice: Stay away from shopping malls, if you haven't already. One walk from end-to-end in the local mall can rob you not only of your Xmas Cheer, but any or all faith in Humanity you might have clung to during the last twelve months. Just a tip...
Well, I'm off now to help Mom bake gingerbread cookies before she gets nervous and starts beheading the little guys. OW, DAMN! Um, I shouldn't have left those scissors on the floor... And here comes the snow, for a grey-white Ohio Xmas...
~
12/24/2003 01:53:00 PM
Friday, December 12, 2003
Note to a Friend
Hey, by the way, regarding that film Other Voices I recommended to you, there are several things you should know, for optimal enjoyment of the flick:
1) It is a comedy. A very black comedy, but a comedy.
2) One of the characters has Tourette's Syndrome, which he keeps in check by making certain ritual noises when he feels himself losing control.
3) At one point there is a plot twist, and it causes the film to lose momentum temporarily. But, stick with it, 'cuz it gets rolling again pretty quick.
4) Rob Morrow's bouts of Tourette's and Campbell Scott yelling "Pizza delivery!! Goddamn pizza delivery!! Free sample! Open up!!" made me laugh almost as much as watching Inspector Clouseau trash his kitchen fighting Cato when I was a kid. (Almost, 'cuz you know very little stands up to Clouseau and Cato...)
5) Like many films I recommend, some people might end up hating me for making them watch this (or at the least I may hear "What the hell?" more than once)... still, it's genius to me, heh. But you know I'm weird.
~
12/12/2003 11:55:00 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Corporate Leadership
Everyone knows the scene where Pee Wee Herman suffers a terrific bicycle crash, gets up, dusts himself off and says, "I meant to do that."
Leadership's job is to say "I meant to do that" and convince people they really did mean to do that.
I suppose that, in itself, is some kind of a skill.
"No, really -- the little boat is in control of the waves..."
~
12/10/2003 11:33:00 AM
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Another Small Reason to Love Spider Robinson
Ben Bova, from the introduction to Spider's The Callahan Chronicles:
I remember getting a newspaper clipping from Spider which showed a NASA drawing of the design for a toilet to be used under zero gravity conditions in the Skylab satellite. (NASA has problems that thee and me can't even guess at.) The cutaway drawing of this engineering marvel showed that there was a rotating blade inside the toilet bowl, to "separate the liquids from the solid wastes," as NASA's engineers euphemistically put it.
Spider, in his scrawly handwriting, had scribbled across the top of the clipping a brief note, followed by an arrow that pointed unerringly to the bowl and the separator blade. The note said, "Ben: Near as I can figure, the shit is SUPPOSED to hit the fan!"
~
12/09/2003 10:17:00 AM
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Dialogue
An electrician (of sorts) rigs pilfered power to Jaakko's corrugated-tin shack.
Jaakko: "What do I owe you?"
Electrician: "If you see me face down in the gutter, turn me on my back."
From Aki Kaurismäki's The Man Without a Past.
~
12/07/2003 07:46:00 PM
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Thank You
What if people sent out Thank You notes to thank people for Thank You notes?
The politeness would never, ever end...
~
12/02/2003 11:09:00 AM
